THIS IS YOUR BAND

You have a band. This is what it's called.

YOUR BAND IS GARBAGE SUSHI

I was outside at a Christmas party and my friend was like, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he was like, “Ah, man, all I ate today was like this crappy garbage sushi,” and so I, because I am me, said, “Oh, I love that band. They’re playing at Death by Audio tomorrow.” And this kid who was half listening said, and again, I paraphrase, he said, “Wait, where are they playing?” And that’s enough to get on here. So now you know my “process.” K Merry Christmas!

YOUR BAND IS SADDERAL

Your first album, Flat Affect, was recorded in 22 minutes and and is six hours long. Already have recorded next three albums, plus greatest hits. Also, shut up. 

YOUR BAND IS PROG BLOG

Hardcore band, but your shortest song is 34 minutes long. You confuse people, and not in a good, mysterious way, but in like a, what the? kind of deal. Half of your band doesn’t even know what’s going on. Get it together, guys.

Your band is just an album cover; it’s a cool album cover, though I fail to see why I had to get an actual black eye just to make your dreams come true, mom.

Your band is just an album cover; it’s a cool album cover, though I fail to see why I had to get an actual black eye just to make your dreams come true, mom.

YOUR BAND IS SKELETON FIGHT

Your band is “really intense.” People avoid you on the bus (probably on the subway and street, too). You do lots of pushups. No one has actually ever heard you, but you are rumored to be “a registered sex offender.” 

YOUR BAND IS POPPOP

Leader and only member of completely uninfluential Grandpa Wave movement of the second week of April, 2015. All your members have cultivated guts, smell like Vaporub, perform in sweats and shouldn’t be allowed to drive. You all carry Werther’s Originals like cool grandpas, and you hand them out or toss them into the crowd at your gigs, which is awkward because there are only five people at your gigs and none of them even tries to catch. Synth pop, lead singer uses a vocal filter that makes him sound like Jasper from The Simpsons, kind of like how Julian Casablancas used to record his voice.

YOUR BAND IS SELFIE

You sound like a single tear falling in a fountain as you stare at your reflection. Also the vocal interlude from ‘The Beautiful Ones’ by Prince. So, like, sexy yet world-weary talking, mostly about how wonderful you are and how no one appreciates you; other topics are smashing mirrors and walking in the rain with no umbrella but not caring if your hair gets messed up cause like that’s how freakin’ sad you are. 

YOUR BAND IS BROMENTARY

First album, Bromentary Loss of Reason, seminal in the ohgodno-wave movement starting next week after a bad acid trip to be suffered by your only member. John Peel is already describing what he hopes your record will sound like (he’s way wrong though; it’s just gonna be chopped and screwed voicemail messages from your band’s grandma.)

YOUR BAND IS PET TELEPATHY

Appetite-era Guns N’ Roses covering ‘Smile’ by the Beach Boys. It’s better than it sounds. Signed to Vice tomorrow.

YOUR BAND IS SWIMMERS ON WEED

Every song sounds like Anthony Kiedis freestyling about dolphins or something.

UPDATE: I’ve been trumped by reality. This really exists. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJNFT8G_VP0